Queerly Having Issues

For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me. I grew up in an evangelical Christian environment as a gay person. From a young age, I learned that being queer was something to fear, suppress, or pray away. I believed there was no way to be both queer and accepted by God. So I stayed silent.

Years later, while studying Peace, Trauma and Religion at the Free University of Amsterdam, I finally found language for what I had been carrying: religious trauma.

What Is Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma happens when a religious environment becomes a source of fear, shame, or psychological harm instead of comfort and safety.

For queer people raised in strict religious communities, the message is often clear:

• Who you are is wrong
• You are not safe if people find out
• If you embrace your identity, you could lose your family, community, or even your place in heaven

Those messages do not disappear overnight. They stay in your body, your relationships, and the way you see yourself.

My Research on Queer Deconversion

For my thesis, I interviewed ten queer people in the Netherlands who grew up in evangelical environments. Even though their stories were different, the same themes kept coming back.

Most of them:

• Felt different from a young age
• Learned that queerness was sinful
• Tried to suppress who they were
• Experienced anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts
• Eventually left their church or faith in order to survive

One participant said:

“Cognitively, I know I am safe now. But my body still doesn’t believe it.”

That sentence stayed with me because it captures what religious trauma often feels like. You can leave the church, but the fear does not always leave you immediately.

Why Queer People Leave Evangelical Christianity

People often think leaving religion is one decision. In reality, deconversion is usually a long and painful process. For many queer people, leaving is not about rejecting spirituality. It is about choosing themselves over shame. Some people leave religion completely. Others keep their faith but build a different version of it, one that makes room for who they are.

What all of the people I interviewed had in common was this: eventually, they reached a point where staying in the evangelical environment hurt more than leaving.

The Hidden Harm of Conversion Therapy

One of the hardest things I discovered during my research is that conversion therapy does not always look the way we expect. Often it starts at home. Parents praying for their child to become “normal.” Church leaders calling queerness a sin. Therapists trying to explain away someone’s sexuality or gender identity. Almost every participant had experienced some form of this.

Even when it came from people who believed they were helping, the impact was the same: shame, confusion, and the feeling that they had to choose between faith and themselves.

Healing After Deconversion

Leaving religion did not solve everything for the people I spoke to. Many still struggle with guilt, fear, or difficult relationships with family. Some feel like they lost years of their life hiding who they were.

But there was also something else: freedom.

For the first time, many of them felt able to:

• Be honest about who they are
• Experience love without shame
• Build an identity outside of religion
• Create a life that feels authentic

Deconversion is not a happy ending. It is a beginning.

You Are Not Alone

If you are queer and struggling with religion, please know this: you are not broken, and you are not the only one going through this. There are so many of us learning how to rebuild after religious trauma. It takes time. It is messy. But it is possible.

And if you are somewhere in the middle of that process right now, I hope this reminds you that there is life after fear 💛