Queerly Having Issues

Hey beautiful, welcome to my podcast, Queerly Having Issues. I believe we all have our issues because we all have a story. My name is Jafeth and it’s time to tell you about mine. 

Welcome back to another episode everyone. Today I’m diving into the issues of my dating life and a little bit of homonationalism and trust me there’s a lot to unpack here, but before we get into it, I have a quick favor to ask. If you enjoy listening to my episodes, please take a moment to rate this podcast five stars in your app. It is a small action on your part, but it makes a big difference as by doing so you will help me reach more people who might benefit from it. 

So as I mentioned, today I’m going to talk about dating. As often I get the question, why am I still single? Or I think to myself, how come I’m still single at 35 and don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to be single. It also definitely has its pluses. But at the same time, I would love to experience love and share my life with someone. So you know, I have moments where I’m totally fine with it. And then there’s moments that I’m like, I really would love to be with someone that I can get to know and that I can share my life with. 

Growing up, I had this picture in my mind that by the time I would be 35, which I am now, I definitely be married living a monogamous life basically following the script that was laid out to me by the heteronormative society and Christian influences that I grew up in. So yeah, here I am 35. And let’s say things haven’t exactly gone according to that plan. Since my early 20s, I have started this journey of evolution and rediscovering myself and while doing so deconstructing beliefs or ideas that no longer serve me. I’m still on that path and probably always will be breaking away these layers day by day. 

In this episode, I’ll be sharing my experiences and ideas from my own specific viewpoint. That is a white gay man living in the city of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, and hopefully by doing so, we’ll be able to find some common ground. 

Let me just start off by saying that Amsterdam is often thought of as a queer capital and I’ve mentioned in my previous episode, criminalization is on the rise and the line of acceptance seems to be stagnant in the last few years. When I mention criminalization, you can think of attacks against queer people, whether it’s an actual crime or whether it’s harassment, which could be verbal or physical, and these attacks have grown over the last few years. 

And next to that, there has been some recent political developments here as well. Our political landscape has taken a strong turn with the rise to power of a right-wing party that holds strong anti-Islam and anti-queer views. The party’s leader has been vocal in his criticism, targeting what he describes as gender insanity in schools, and he’s been expressing negative views on transgender individuals in particular. And I’m not going to repeat what he said exactly, as this way of speaking not only separates people but also hurts our society, and I think especially those who belong to multiple marginalized groups. Beside that, this party has also refused to endorse the Rainbow Agreement, which is a pledge for queer emancipation, and alongside of that, their campaign was empty of any queer-positive proposals. In my opinion, this sends a chilling message about the direction of their intended policies, and I’m really curious to see how this will develop in the nearby future. 

What is also interesting is how the party leader uses queer rights to criticize Islam. In 2017, for example, he claimed that the freedom fought by for the gay community, such as the rights to kiss in public, marry and have children, go against Islamic beliefs completely. He’s also been involved in events like Gays for Trump, in which they express similar views, and this strongly shows how our rights can be used as a political weapon. And that is what is called homonationalism. This is a term that’s been used when nationalist beliefs align with queer support in order to promote racist, xenophobic and discriminatory agendas. Homonationalism usually relies on unfair assumptions, often painting immigrant communities as naturally homophobic, and this spreads a misconception that our so-called progressive Western values are in conflict with those so-called regressive, non-Western cultures. In my opinion, this is deeply concerning, particularly in the context of the Netherlands. This really shows how the real fight for equality and acceptance can be used to make other vulnerable groups like Muslims and queer people of color, for example, feel even more excluded. 

As a gay white man, I do recognize my position of relative privilege within this conversation, and my heart goes out to those who, on top of navigating the challenges associated with their sexual orientation or gender identity, must now also confront racism and Islamophobia. During these times, it’s crucial that we stay watchful and support each other, and I think it’s important that we do not let anyone use our rights to create divisions among us. And I think instead, it’s important to stand united and to promote a society that respects and values all aspects of who we are. I’ve already seen a few comments of white gay men underneath posts about the political situation that’s happening in the Netherlands and how quite a few of these men suggest that this party’s leader is gay-friendly and he’s standing up for our rights. And I think that already shows how this is creating a division among us as the queer community. 

In my use of this podcast, one thing I hope to continually highlight is that we are a very diverse community. We are a diverse group of individuals, each with our own unique sexual orientations, gender identities, ethnic backgrounds, and cultural experiences. And it’s crucial that we acknowledge and respect this diversity and understanding that while our experiences may be different, they are all valid and important. 

As I mentioned in my very first episode, it’s important to remember that 62 countries still criminalize homosexuality, and I think by now it’s even 64-65. This is a strong reminder that many within our community are forced to navigate oppressive systems and living in environments where simply being themselves is punishable. And then on the other side, there are those among us within our community who enjoy the privilege of living in societies where our identities are not just tolerated, but mostly accepted and, best case scenario, even celebrated. And within this society, if I look at my position here in the Netherlands, we have the freedom to read and talk about books like The Velvet Rage or The Ethical Slut. And these are the kind of books that speak directly to our experiences and challenges. 

This morning I stumbled upon a post on a gay meme account on Instagram that asked, ‘why are the majority of us gay single? Serious question.’ It was funny because it felt like the universe was aligning considering I was preparing to record this very episode. So I got inspired by that post because there were a lot of comments and there were a few in particular that struck a chord with me. I use these comments sort of to talk about the issues of my dating life and the things that I feel might be the reason why many of us are single these days. And again, I’m not saying that being single is necessarily a bad thing. 

So the first comment I want to talk about was how monogamous relationships and marriage are seen as social constructs that serve no real purpose for us. I recently read an article on how the media often portrays these ideal queer couples as monogamous, well-off and white. And this article talked about how there seems to be a preference for queer individuals to conform to the traditional idea of marriage and to sort of be similar to heterosexual relationships. And this viewpoint opens a conversation about societal expectations and the different responses within our community. I’ve spoken to people that are more radical or politically active and often they seem to challenge the idea of mirroring straight relationships. They often say things like wanting to conform to traditional norms is limiting to our creativity and it keeps gender inequalities alive. But then there’s also those of us who want acceptance by following societal norms. And yet, I don’t think we can overlook the tangible benefits that come with marriage equality. There’s legal recognitions and protections that are crucial and I think it’s important to advocate for the option to marry to ensure that everyone has the right to choose. 

When it comes to myself, the idea of getting married has never really been a driving force. The idea was there, as it is for many I think, because these ideas are shaped by societal expectations since childhood. But personally, I’ve never felt a strong pull towards it. Though I do maintain a never-say-never attitude because you never know if I meet someone who really really really wants to get married, I think I might be able to compromise. 

Then the second comment pointed to the paradox of our digital age. It mentioned how technology has brought us closer together, but at the same time it has also led to short-lived relationships that can leave us feeling more alone. This conflict seems to lie at the heart of modern dating. If I look around me and I listen to the stories that people tell me and if I look at my own experiences, I read an article about how the abundance of choice presented by dating apps creates this continual sense of the grass might be greener. And it spoke about how this idea of the grass might be greener is leading many of us to wonder if there’s something better and we just keep on swiping. And I think there’s even this term called doom swiping. Somebody mentioned it the other day and I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense. When you go to bed or when you wake up, you just don’t want to think about anything. You just sort of use it as social media and you just sort of swipe away and just use that to just not think, to just distract yourself. 

I’ve been there as well. I’m trying to be more mindful of how I use Tinder at the moment. I will explain that to you in a bit. There’s also research that suggests that dating apps are designed to keep us engaged and to keep us swiping and ironically keep us single. So the underlying business model thrives on our ongoing search for connections and it’s making money from the fast nature of interactions rather than creating lasting relationships. And for me that makes total sense as the apps are often free. And that’s the modern paradox, what we are dealing with these days that these platforms promise to bring us together, but basically are designed to keep us coming back for more. And for a while I thought like, okay, yeah, should I use these apps then or should I just not use them and just hope I’m going to meet someone in real life? But I think you, well, at least I cannot be blind to the role that apps like Tinder play in our lives today. And I think it’s a tool and like any other tool, I think it’s all about how we use them. So my approach is that I try to swipe with intention and on my profile I’m being clear about what I’m looking for. And then I will engage with those that I match with and I try to limit the amount of matches as well to give things a chance. If a conversation doesn’t flow, I just take it as a sign to move on. 

I lean more towards the idea of real life encounters over digital ones. I think there’s something about meeting someone in real life that apps cannot quite provide. And I’ve been in these situations where I’ve met people in real life. Once I met a guy at a coffee shop, you know, the ones where you actually drink coffee. He was waiting in line to order and I was already sitting with my coffee. And then we locked eyes like two or three times so then I asked him like, ‘hey, how are you?’ I said, ‘if you want, you can sit next to me.’ So then he came and sit next to me and then we just chatted. It was a nice conversation and you know, flirting a little bit and then we exchanged numbers and then we separated our ways. And I was like, oh, this exciting, this sounds like it might be a nice beginning of a good story. But then on a certain moment I was like, maybe I should ask him if he’s single. That would be a good start on my part. That’s what I’m looking for at the moment. Someone who’s also single. And then he said, no, I have a boyfriend, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, interesting. And that happened to me another time when I was working in a store and during COVID customers had to leave their phone numbers. If there would be an outbreak, we would have to call them and tell them about it. So he wrote down his number and he walked around in the store and I just felt like, okay, something’s going on here. A little bit of flirting. And then before he left, he said like, ‘you have my number, so feel free to send me a message.’ And I was like, oh, this is cute. And I sent him a message. And on a certain moment, I asked him again this question, if he was single and then he was not. That was the end of that as well. 

I do believe in real life encounters, but until now they have been a little bit depressing, to be honest. But I try to keep the hope and I try to keep the options open. I might meet someone in real life. I might meet someone via the app. It’s all fine by me. 

This idea of always looking for the next best thing. I feel like that is not exclusive to the queer community. It seems to be a widespread challenge. Even many of my straight friends, they mentioned similar frustrations and many, many people seem to be single these days or seem to struggle to find someone. 

And besides that, I also think that another thing that influences our modern dating scene is that our modern society places a strong emphasis on individualism. We’re celebrating personal achievement, autonomy and self fulfillment. And even though these values aren’t necessarily always a bad thing, I think they empower us to pursue our personal goals and happiness. But I think they can also lead to this mindset where compromising in a relationship might be seen as sacrificing one’s own needs or desires. And I think in a culture like that, it might be hard to find a balance between personal fulfillment and the mutual compromise that is necessary for a healthy relationship. I can also relate to that as I’ve been single for quite a long time. And I think that because of that, it strengthens this individual feeling. Sometimes I’m worried that it might make it even harder to compromise. And then my brother sent me this quote the other day and it said, ‘I’ve been single long enough to be scared that someone is going to come along and mess up what I have with myself.’ And I sort of felt that. 

So after I released my previous episode about the Power of Chosen family, I had a nice chat with my classmate, his name is Eric and he’s from Hong Kong. I told him that I wanted to do an episode on the issues of my dating life. And we sort of spoke about the struggles that we might experience in finding connection and love in our community. Then he also mentioned how our sense of belonging might intervene with our dating lives, which is a theme I unpacked in my latest episode. 

There I explored the concept of chosen family and how they play an important role in fostering a sense of belonging and I was drawing from Brene Brown’s wisdom and I mentioned that according to her, true belonging doesn’t ask us to change who we are, rather it invites us to be our most authentic selves. So we spoke about the added difficulties many of us encounter and not only in finding love, but also in dealing with the obstacles from society and our personal identities. And especially for those of us who have faced rejection from family or society due to our sexual orientation or gender identity, the scars might run deep and these experiences might distort our sense of belonging, which in return might intervene with our dating lives. 

And I think recognizing these challenges are a part of modern relationships as well. It also includes understanding that not everyone is skilled at managing the responsibilities and compromises that come with adult life, especially when you’re dealing with past trauma and difficulties. 

I also had this dating experience that I was with someone who, you know, it didn’t work out and I genuinely felt sad for him that he wasn’t able to speak about his feelings. And I’m not saying that I was the better person in this story, I could just relate to it, I just felt empathy for him and his situation and I understood. 

Luckily there seems to be a silver lining in how our society is evolving. Today there’s a growing openness around discussing our emotional well-being and mental health and for more of us, myself included, we have embraced therapy as a tool to work through these difficult experiences and nurture personal growth. For me that’s about unpacking these years of pain and find a space where we can be vulnerable again to let someone in without fear and I think that’s a very good and important basis to have before we get involved with someone romantically. And I’m far from perfect, but I do believe that when someone openly acknowledges that they are going to therapy, that’s a sign of strength and for me it signifies a commitment to self-improvement and the courage to confront and heal from our past. So when someone talks to me about their experiences with therapy, that definitely for me is a green flag, but it’s also not just a personal step forward, I think it’s also an invitation for others to see vulnerability and self-care as a good thing. That’s why in my opinion therapy can be helpful, it shows a commitment to growing personally and being emotionally strong and it’s not about being perfect but about aiming for a healthier more confident self and therapy can lead to better connections and makes us worry less about what other people think and I guess that might help us build deeper intimacy and relationships. So if you’re on this journey of healing and self-discovery, I think that’s a very brave thing to do and I think any form of seeking support shows a desire to grow and heal and that is very brave and beautiful. 

And then there was another insightful comment under that Instagram post that said, we like people who don’t like us back. And I was like damn, that really reminds me of something that I’ve explored during my own therapy sessions. During one of these sessions I’ve delved into the difficulty of falling in love and the repetitive pattern of being drawn to individuals who don’t treat me well and you know, I was like why can I not fall in love with people who are really sweet and care about me and then when I do fall in love often it’s people who don’t necessarily respond to my love, if that makes sense. And then my therapist, he said that this inclination might be rooted in childhood experiences where safety and love were not consistently provided by my caregivers and this insight resonated with me deeply. 

This concept of wanting those who do not want us back can be viewed through the lens of attachment theory which is a framework that suggests that our early interactions, especially with our caregivers, create internal working models influencing our adult relationships. For example, if as a child your caregivers didn’t consistently provide a sense of safety and belonging, you might unconsciously seek relationships that mirror those early dynamics. So my experience of struggling to fall in love or being drawn to those who don’t answer my love, according to this theory, aligns with potential anxious or avoidant attachment styles. So, basically, my early experiences shaped my expectations and behaviors in romantic relationships. 

And, for me, recognizing these patterns has been a vital step towards breaking the cycle and understanding these dynamics helped me to develop more self-awareness, it helped me to understand my needs, and also because of that I can more consciously now choose relationships that align with my values and in my case that would be relationships that provide the emotional support I deserve and I think because I’m more aware of that it’s also easier now for me to recognize when I’m in a situation where that is not the case so I can just effectively communicate that and get out of that situation. So it’s been a transformative process and it has been really helpful for me to be grounded in my present needs rather than the past experiences. 

I’ve mentioned this before but there’s this guy on Instagram at YourDiagnonsense who shares a lot of helpful relationship dating sex insights that I really appreciate so maybe you do as well. Check it out. 

And then there was another person who said that the reason why we’re single is because we’re not always kind to one another. And to add a deeper layer to this conversation, the book that I mentioned in the beginning called The Velvet Rage by Allan Downs explores the psychological impact of societal norms and pressures on gay men and it’s particularly focusing on issues related to shame, internalized homophobia, and the pursuit of an authentic self. And Downs argues that many gay men experience a sense of shame as a result of growing up in a society that stigmatizes homosexuality and one aspect of the shame and internalized homophobia is the tendency for gay men to repeat negative behaviors towards each other and this can manifest in various ways including competition or judgment within the gay community itself rather than fostering a sense of solidarity and support. Some gay men may engage in behaviors that perpetuate the cycle of shame and isolation among their peers. 

Back in the days when I would go out more, I could also really feel that. Of course, that’s just a part of the gay community that’s, you know, you’re just out and about and yeah, it wasn’t really this friendly vibe that you might expect, especially the stories that I’ve heard from immigrants or refugees who come to the Netherlands because they’re looking for a community. It seems to be really hard for those people to find good and healthy friendships or have this beautiful experience of a community that they were so desperately looking for. So I think that’s very sad to hear. 

It’s been a few years that I’ve read this book and I remember that a friend of mine, she read an interview in which this book was mentioned and then she just ordered two copies and one for both of us and that was really sweet. This book essentially serves as a guide to overcome the pain of growing up gay in a world that often deems our identities as unacceptable. And while I found certain aspects of the book to be really, really American at times, you know, it was a bit over the top, but the core idea is resonated with me. 

So this book is basically structured around three stages of emotional development that gay men often experience and the first one is the feeling of being overwhelmed by shame. And I think he speaks about the time where he was still in the closet and dealing with this shame that he felt about who he was as a person. I think it’s something that many of us know all too well, that we are still like hiding our true selves. We are fearing intimacy and sometimes even avoid dating altogether to not have to experience this pain of rejection. And this stage can be tough. It has a lot to do with internalized homophobia and a battle for self acceptance that, you know, can deeply affect how we connect with potential partners. And then there’s the phase of compensating for shame. That is where, according to him, we find ourselves striving for perfection, obsessing over our looks, our social standing or our achievements, all in the hope of finding love and acceptance. And I think nowadays with social media, that’s even more present, but it also feels like that is not necessarily something that only is about gay men. I think many people in this day and age are concerned with our looks and our social standing and achievements. But I think what he means is that often we end up in relationships that are more about maintaining this image than about genuine connection. And that might create a cycle that can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled. 

And then according to him, there is light at the end of the tunnel as we move towards the authentic self. And this is where the magic happens, guys. It’s about letting go of the constant need for approval and starting to embrace our true selves. Vulnerability, fears, flaws and all. And as we reach this stage, dating can take on new forms. It can become more about seeking partners who love us for who we are and not for the masks that we wear. And that, I think, is where healthy, lasting relationships are born. 

But it’s not this like smooth journey. Personally, I feel there’s always these obstacles that we have to navigate. There can be discussions around monogamy or open relationships. There’s the impact of dating apps and social media. And I think these challenges can test our honesty and self-awareness and above all, our ability to communicate effectively. Overcoming these obstacles, it starts with personal growth and self-acceptance and developing our emotional intelligence, hopefully finding strength in our community. And sometimes we might even seek professional guidance. But I do think that cultivating this sense of self-worth that isn’t tied to someone else’s approval is key to building fulfilling relationships. 

So the question of why I’m single or why many of us in the queer community might be is definitely not something that can be answered simply. In this episode, I tried to share with you some of my own experiences and some things that I think might be helpful. And I know we’re all very different when it comes to this. So I hope there’s at least something that has given you some food for thought. 

Even though sometimes it might be a little bit depressing to be out there dating as it comes with obstacles. I do think if I look at my own experiences, even though in the moment it hasn’t always looked that way. But now when I look back on the things that I’ve been through, I feel that these experiences have definitely enriched my life. It has taught me about being resilient and the power of vulnerability and the beauty of finding someone who will appreciate us for who we truly are. And I think it’s important to keep an open heart and keep being committed to your self-growth and remain optimistic about the future. 

I think it’s important to mention this again. As I wrap up this episode, remember that we are a diverse community and we each have our unique experiences and I think it’s important to acknowledge and respect this diversity. And hopefully we will be able to strengthen our bonds and build a community that’s more inclusive, empathetic and resilient. 

Thank you so much for joining me today. 

Until next time, take care.