Queerly Having Issues

Hey beautiful, welcome to my podcast, Queerly Having Issues.
I believe we all have our issues because we all have a story.
My name is Jafeth and it’s time to tell you about mine.
First of all, thank you so much for tuning in again.

I really appreciate your support and the love I’ve gotten thus far. Secondly, I would like to ask you if you could do me a favor and rate this podcast 5 stars in the app. By doing so, you will help me reach a broader audience eventually. So if you could do that for me, I would really appreciate that a lot.

Within this episode, I would like to talk about chosen family. But before I do so, I want to dive into our first heartbreak. Because I’ve often wondered, as a queer person, why I was so into heartbreak songs and why I was so into artists who sing about heartbreak. And I could also see a lot of gay men around me who were really into female singers and you know, like Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande. There are so many of these artists who touch upon these themes of heartbreak. I’m aware that heartbreak is a universal experience, but then I did realize that for many of us, our first heartbreak is taking place within our family or within our safe environment. And the heartbreak of not being accepted by our own family due to our sexual orientation or gender identity can be an incredibly painful and impactful experience. And this rejection can be one of the most profound sources of emotional pain and it can have a lasting impact on various aspects of our personal lives.

For example, we have the emotional impact, the rejection or non-acceptance of one’s family that can result in intense emotional distress, including feelings of sadness, isolation, anger and shame. It can lead to a profound sense of loss and a feeling of not being loved or valued by the very people who are supposed to provide unconditional support.

Another impact could be an identity struggle. The family rejection can amplify the internal struggle that many queer individuals alread face in accepting and embracing their own identity. Because there are many stories of queer people whose family is okay with it, but still they have that internal struggle of self-acceptance and embracing their own identity. And that is when the family isn’t even making a big deal out of the fact that they might have a different sexual orientation or a gender identity. The family rejection can lead to an added layer and it can amplify the internal struggle that many queer individuals already face in accepting and embracing their own identity. So that can lead to self-doubt, internalized homophobia or transphobia and a struggle to reconcile our authentic selves with our family’s expectations. And then of course the impact on mental health, so distress and emotional toll of family rejection. It can contribute to mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts, what I talked about in my previous episode as well. How I’ve experienced all of these things because I grew up in a non-informative environment. And of course there’s also the isolation that comes with that feeling rejected by one’s family that can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness. And that is also where the importance of chosen family and supportive friends within the queer community becomes critical for creating a strong network of understanding and acceptance.

As queer people we all have our unique stories and while some of us might find that our family eventually comes around and accepts us, like what has happened in my case, others might however need to rely on support and chosen family to fill the emotional void left by their biological family’s rejection.

That also applies to me even though my family has come around. I think the damage has been done and our relationship has become more shallow and I am at least less vulnerable towards them because I know they will never truly understand what I’m going through or who I am or why I make certain choices. I’m sort of a bit careful so we’ve made it work this way. Like for me I’m just happy that they respect me and love me and accept me even though our world views are so different because I also have that religious layer that we disagree a sense of meaning in their life and in mine. So I did, in those years I did find chosen family. Luckily I had a brother that I talked about and who is one of my best friends. But then I’ve also created other friendships. Like I have a best friend and she’s like a sister to me. With her I share a lot of emotional things and it’s not a one way street so we share with each other things that happen in our lives.

I guess for me that having a brother and having a best friend and other friends that I can talk with that really helped fill the emotional void that was left by my biological family while they were rejecting me. Even though it might not have felt like that to them but in reality they were rejecting the person that I was at that moment.

And I want to stress that every individual’s experience is unique. Reactions to family rejection can be very different. And for some this heartbreak can be a turning point that catalyzes personal growth and a journey towards self acceptance. And for others the pain might remain like a lasting source of sorrow.

And I think for me it was a combination of both. In one way it helped me grow and it motivated me to go on a journey of self discovery and self acceptance. But on the other hand it was also painful of course and it’s a wound and with the years I’m healing but I still have to deal with triggering situations like post traumatic symptoms. So yeah I think it can be a combination of both. That really depends on your situation.

And I think because I had those people around me that I could share my life with and who would listen to me without being judgmental that made it easier for me to grow and to accept myself as a person while dealing with the pain. And I guess if you don’t have that support then probably you’ll end up with pain that will be a lasting source of sorrow.

So for me it makes sense that I as a person found a lot of comfort in songs that were about heartbreak even though in these moments I wasn’t even dealing with a romantic partner and I was like well this is really interesting that I can really relate to that like where does that come from and then I was like okay probably because my first heartbreak was with my family and like these songs trigger emotions. So I think it makes sense that many of us find comfort in songs that reflect our experiences particularly if we have faced rejection or heartbreak due to our sexual orientation or gender identity.

And like I said before heartbreak songs of course can be relatable to anyone but I think within the queer community these songs can take on added layers of connection due to shared experiences as we often face unique challenges including discrimination, rejection and identity struggles and I think songs about heartbreak often tap into these intense emotions while offering a way for queer people to connect with and process their own feelings. At least that’s my opinion on it. I’m just curious to hear your opinion about it so you can answer the question underneath this episode in the Q&A. I would really love to hear your opinion on this.

Now let’s go back to our younger selves. As from a young age we are taught to express ourselves you know through new words, through stories and make believe and with that we discover ourselves and we discover the world around us and I think as kids we even show adults already very early on in our lives who we are before we even know who we are.

If I think about my upbringing I’m pretty sure my mom already felt like I was different to her other kids. I remember a story that my mom told my sister while I was climbing a tree that she said something like oh thank god it is a boy. So there were like those little signs already that you know I wasn’t really fitting into the heteronormative mold. But in this way we develop a personality and identity and then we also make friends along the way, we change friends and in the best circumstances we feel like we belong to a community and you know the aspect of a community that could be like you live in a small town where you know everyone or you’re in a sports team that’s really tight or a church or a religious spiritual group.

But within that context we learn about ourselves and each group comes with an often unspoken social code about what is acceptable and the parts of us that do not fit often get banished to a dark corner inside of us. We just put it away and we just don’t want to look at it because each time it reminds us that we are not the same and we don’t belong in this group actually. According to Esther Perel most of us don’t learn for years what’s in that corner. She says we have a sense of it but we don’t dare investigate.

I think in my youth you know I had that as well like there were like already signs and I felt like there were certain aspects of me that showed me that basically I was gay but I couldn’t really put that to words back then but that confronted me with a part of me that didn’t fit into what I was taught and because of that I pushed it away or I was like maybe next year when it’s my birthday it will be over it will be gone it will not be there anymore.

And I think a lot of us queer people can relate to that lonely experiences and of course not only queer people in every minority I think we can find that lonely experience. So despite how lonely we may feel this is one of the most universal experiences in the world particularly if the part you are hiding is that you are not straight or cis.

So I’m currently reading a book by Brené Brown it’s called The Power of Vulnerability. She speaks about fitting in versus belonging and she explains how fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. While belonging on the other hand does not require us to change who we are it requires us to be who we are. Belonging is that sense of safety comfort and happiness that we feel when we are part of a group place tradition a relationship or friendship.

And I think that is what so many of us live with from a young age and if you’re listening to this and you can relate to that lonely experience then you intimately know the shame and fear that comes from the threat of being excluded or excommunicated from the very groups that mean so much to you. Whether that’s your family or you know your sports group or friends group or a religious group. But then the other side of the coin could be that maybe you also remember the day that you made the choice to look deep within yourself and to want to discover who you are. And perhaps you know the experience of eventually finding the parts of yourself that were aching to meet you and to be loved by you and to be seen and embraced by others. It could also be that you are still waiting for this and maybe you’re wondering if this experience can ever be yours.

Because I do remember those moments in my life as well where I felt like am I ever going to have a normal life? Am I ever going to fit in? Am I ever going to be good enough? Am I ever going to feel safe? Am I ever going to get rid of this anxiety? So I do understand if maybe you’re not at the place yet where you want to be and you’re still waiting and wondering if this experience can ever be yours.

Because despite the fact that there are so many pride celebrations worldwide, many of us don’t come from places that are ready to embrace us in our fullness. And even in the city of Amsterdam where I live, we have a pride celebration but that doesn’t automatically mean that everybody is just ready to embrace us in our fullness. You know, I read, that criminalization is on the rise, people are even scared to call the police when they’ve been assaulted. As long as you don’t dress a certain way or walk a certain way, people will not notice you and you’ll probably be pretty safe. But when you are doing drag or when you are transgender or when you’re non-binary, then it will be a lot harder to feel welcomed in places and embraced by people for who you are in your fullness.

So then we come to the part of chosen family that in its essence serves as a vital source of love, affirmation and resilience for us queer people. As it reinforces the idea that every one of us deserves a supportive network of people who truly see and embrace us for who we are. That doesn’t mean that it’s a perfect relationship.

What I notice with people who are allies that sometimes you still need to have the conversation and no one really knows what it’s like to walk in your shoes. So sometimes you need to like lovingly explain things within your chosen family. There should be space to have honest and vulnerable conversations with one another in a space that is like non-judgmental and loving.

Chosen family, as the word already suggests, refers to a group of people who are not necessarily biologically or legally related, but who provide the same level of support, love and care that one might expect from their biological family.

So what I said before about my best friend who feels like a sister, she feels more like a sibling, because we provide each other the same level of support, love and care that we also would expect from our biological family.

Let me just give you a few examples why chosen family is important. Apart from the support and acceptance they offer that I’ve just mentioned, it is also beneficial to our emotional well-being. Because chosen family can offer us a sense of belonging and emotional security. A place where you belong, where you don’t have to fit in and becoming what you need to be to be accepted, but really belong because it’s not required for you to change who you are, but it’s required to be who you are. That sense of safety and support and love. Having a network of people who understand your experiences, challenges and triumphs can contribute to improve mental and emotional well-being.

I’ve just mentioned that my relationship with my family is quite shallow, which is not necessarily a bad thing as it works for us, and this is how we keep our relationship peaceful and respectful. But also it creates a relationship where there is no room for true vulnerability, at least not from my side as most of my family does not understand or cannot relate to a life without faith.

So within my chosen family, but also with my brother of course, who is biologically part of my family, I get to be vulnerable and share more deeply what I go through and experience. And I do that with my chosen family who validates my identity and my experiences. And that is a place where I can authentically be me without any fear of judgment. Of course, sometimes you have to explain yourself or, you know, that’s just part of having a dialogue with someone where you can still answer questions and ask for clarification, but at least it’s all done in a safe environment that is not judgmental.

Chosen families play a crucial role in the lives of us queer people by providing love, acceptance and support that everyone deserves. So I saw this quote and it said that these relationships highlight the flexibility and depth of human connections, showing that family isn’t solely defined by biology, but by the bonds we form with those who truly care for us. And I thought it was beautiful.

Do you remember how I said I wanted to close off the topic of religion? Well, guess what? I’m just gonna bring it up again right now. After all, I am doing a master’s degree in peace, trauma and religion. The reason why I’m studying this is I think that if we want to understand the world we live in, we must in a way understand this religion business, because religion has played such a huge part in creating the world and it is still doing so today. And I do think that the wisdom traditions have a lot to offer us queer people. Apart from all the pain and struggle it has caused for a lot of us, obviously.

During one of the lectures, one of my professors called Fernando Enns and I asked him if I could quote him on this. I don’t really remember how we came to this topic necessarily, but I do remember that he referred to Jesus as someone who valued chosen family. And I was like, what? What do you mean? And then he explained that and we touched upon a verse in the Bible in Mark 3, when it’s about how a crowd was sitting around Jesus and the crowd told him, your mother and brothers are outside looking for you. And Jesus asked them, who are my mother and my brothers? And then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, here are my mother and brothers. Whoever does, God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.

Like that, in that context makes sense. But it’s interesting to see how this text suggests already in that time of Jesus that the biological family is but one way of being connected as family. And Jesus calls his friends mothers and siblings. And especially to us queer people, this could be liberating and to anyone who feels kind of burdened with family ties. And at the same time, within this contact, Jesus seems to break traditional images of family. So I thought that was an interesting thing to take away.

It feels to me that there is no hierarchy of types of relationships. So in the world that I live in, I would like to aspire to the fact that friends can become family and lovers can become friends and even family, the one you came from, the one you never thought might be able to love you and your complexities can come to understand that you’re no less of a person, no less lovable because of who you love and who you are. I really hope that happens for you. But if that never happens, if they never come around, just know that there is a family of choice waiting for you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen. And if you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to send me a message on Instagram at QueerlyHavingIssues or just comment in the Q&A below.

Take care.